How Do We Forgive and Move Forward?

How do you forgive someone when you know they have said harsh things about you?

How do you stop replaying what happened or tensing up whenever they are around? How can you ever trust them again or allow any closeness?

Forgiveness is especially difficult because our minds and bodies can keep reliving the hurt long after the event.

Remaining tied to the past can feel like a kind of imprisonment. Sometimes even thinking about the person sets off a threat response. Our bodies tense, our attention narrows, and we may shift into a fight-flight-freeze response.

But forgiveness is not weakness. It does not mean condoning or forgetting what happened, immediately trusting the person, or putting ourselves in a position to be hurt again.

Trust may need to be rebuilt. Boundaries may still be necessary. Sometimes distance is the healthiest choice. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

Forgiveness can begin with a decision to stop letting another person’s past behavior control so much of our present.

How do we begin?

First, acknowledge the pain. We cannot let go of something we are still pretending did not hurt. Acknowledge what happened, how it hurt, and what it changed for you.

Second, get clear about whose opinions deserve a place in how you see yourself. Brené Brown calls this your “Square Squad”: one to a few people who have your well-being at heart, support you, challenge you honestly, and have earned your trust.

She recommends writing their names on a one-inch square of paper and keeping it in your wallet. Their names remind you whose perspectives deserve serious consideration. The point is not to deny what others said, but to avoid internalizing judgments from people who have not earned that place in your life.

Third, consider whether a different perspective is possible.

Imagine walking through the woods when a dog lunges and barks at you. Then you notice its leg is caught in a trap. Your fear may not disappear, and you would still need to act safely, but your understanding changes and empathy grows. What looked like aggression turned out to be pain.

We can ask what trap another person might be caught in: fear, shame, insecurity, jealousy, or old hurt. We may never know, and their pain does not excuse the pain they caused. But this perspective can sometimes make room for compassion.

If a conversation is appropriate and safe, it may require courage to say what hurt you and consideration for the other person’s humanity.

Finally, remember that you can choose your response. You cannot control what the person said or did. You can decide how much power it will continue to have over your emotional life.

Moving forward may lead to repair, or it may lead to firmer boundaries and greater distance. Forgiveness does not guarantee closeness.

We may never feel good about what happened. The goal is to live without it deciding what happens next.