Win-Win Agreements: The Power of Curiosity

As summer comes to a close in a few weeks, my daughter still hadn't finished her summer reading assignment. She had made significant progress but stalled out with the last 25%. We had talked about finishing it early so she could enjoy the final days of summer without it hanging over her. So, what to do?

After all, she'd only had all summer to work on it!

The easy response would have been frustration:

"𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴."

"𝘕𝘰 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘯𝘴 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘩."

Those approaches may produce compliance at best and resistance at worst. But they rarely produce commitment, motivation, or ownership—the qualities we're really hoping to cultivate in others.

So I paused.

Once I felt calmer, I became curious.

I asked, "𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗱𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗺𝗲—𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝗻 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗹—𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵?"

That simple question changed the conversation.

She explained that she had already read the ending because the last part of the book was "boring." Knowing how it ended had drained her motivation. She also shared something I hadn't realized: she finds it difficult to work alone. Having someone nearby helps her stay focused.

So I asked another question.

"𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝗳 𝗜 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝗲𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗲𝗱? 𝗪𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽?"

"It would," she said.

Then she proposed another idea.

"𝘓𝘦𝘵'𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘵 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳 25 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘧𝘰𝘤𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬, 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 15-𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘵𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘵. 𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘺."

Just like that, we had a win-win agreement.

I told her, "𝗠𝘆 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵. 𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵—𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱—𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝗽 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂. 𝗝𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘀𝗸 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝘁, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗜'𝗹𝗹 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻."

The lesson extends far beyond parenting.

Whether you're leading a team, interacting with a client, working with a colleague, or navigating a relationship: 

• Pause before reacting.

• Seek to understand before responding.

• Stay curious.

• Lead with warmth.

• Keep the goal clear.

• Invite the other person into the solution.

When we react impulsively, we may gain short-term compliance—but often at the cost of trust and connection. When we slow down and create solutions together, we strengthen both the relationship and the likelihood of success.

Sometimes the shortest path to solving a problem isn't having the right answer—it's asking the right question.

𝗨𝗽𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗲: About halfway through, she politely kicked me out of her room because she had a "plan" and didn't need me around anymore. She finished her summer reading assignment later that day. Sometimes a little curiosity and the right support are all we need to get unstuck.